Safe Haven Marriage – Building a Relationship You Want to Come Home To

Excerpts from the Book of the Same Title by Archibald Hart, PH.D. and Sharon Hart May, PH.D.

Our culture reflects a tragically high divorce rate—more than 50 percent.  This statistic tells us that couples are unable to maintain a relationship for the long haul. And it also makes us aware that counselors are not successfully impacting struggling couples in their plight.

For years, marital therapy has focused on communication skills and resolving conflicts…when what we need is to be fostering acceptance, not skills.  We should be teaching couples to talk about their feelings, rather than teaching them new techniques.  We need to help couples heal their hearts so they can draw closer to one another, rather than guiding them through another six steps or five keys or seven principles.  Rather than individuating, skill building, and problem solving, couples need to feel emotionally safe, close, cherished and respected.  Only then can they intertwine their hearts and souls and become one, as God intended.

Research done in the 1980’s by Canadian psychologists Johnson and Greenberg found that the attachment bond of a couple was, above all else, most crucial to the longevity of their relationship.  They discovered that if a couple fostered a close and secure attachment bond, they were better able to problem-solve on their own, utilizing the skills and techniques they possessed naturally or were taught through enrichment.  On the other hand, if a couple could not emotionally connect, they simple would not have a healthy or long-lasting marriage.  It is because of this reality—emotional connection must precede all other skills, techniques and methods in marital therapy.  

Wherever you are on your marital journey, we pray that you and your spouse will form a strong and lasting emotional connection.  And as you are bonded into one, secure enough to share the secrets of your innermost hearts, we know your marriage will become the safe haven for which every couple yearns and hopes and prays.